the past few weeks have been hard for me. overwhelm is running the show. i’m sorry I haven’t been on here as much, I promise I’m working my hardest to show up for y’all.
I'm in a place where priorities are scattered.
do I help them be their best or do I grow myself?
is it selfish to want to drop everything and just do what gives me dopamine?
focusing on others isn’t bad per se, but I feel like I’m drowning. i can taste the salty water every day.
when I was a child, I would run into the ocean full force. not caring if it knocked me down. not caring if my feet couldn’t touch the ground. then I experience reality full force. a massive wave pulled me under, and I tumbled, tumbled, and tumbled. not able to breathe or redirect myself, I let my body float with the motion. hoping it would bring me above the water. i watched the sun’s rays breaking through the water’s surface, trying to show me the way out. but my body wouldn’t move. i was dragged down for what felt like a lifetime, until my knees scraped the rocky beach beneath me and I was able to pull my head above the water and breathe.
i coughed up lungfuls of salty water and looked around to see if anyone noticed. expecting my family to be right there helping me stand again. but that’s when I learned reality feels like your lungs are constantly filled with salty water. my trauma wasn’t even noticed, nor acknowledged. my family was up on the beach laughing and throwing a football around, not a care in the world except for if they put on enough sunscreen. that was hard to swallow.
i sat on that beach trying to catch my breath as the water gently brushed against me, back and forth. almost like a caress. saying it was sorry for what it had done. like the monster that lives within was never there. i learned right then what the real world was like. those closest to you, the ones who are supposed to put you first in their lives, would rather sunbathe than pull you from the depths when you’re sinking.
even though from that day on, I vowed to help those who needed it. to be the opposite of the humans I was given in this life. i can still taste the salty water. it never went away. living inside me all this time.
but this is my beach. my words are the sand. and right now, I just need to breathe.
at this moment, I’m too scared of that tidal wave crashing down on top of me, but tomorrow is a new day. i know that one day I’ll be strong enough to walk right into the deep end and just float. and that it’s okay that it’s not today. because that wave taught me something else.
i can tumble. i can fall. i can scrape my knees on the ground. i’ve hit rock bottom before and didn’t drown. i pushed myself back up and breathed in the salty air that would stay with me forever as a reminder that I am my own savior. I don’t need anyone to hold my hand…even when it feels like that hand might be the saving light in my dark life.
but here’s the kicker. beauty grows in the darkness, you just have to change the way you experience it.
with love,