when burnout meets breaking point
tired is an understatement...
wow, it’s been a month. well almost but it’s as good as. i didn’t try to veto my writing time it just happened. this month was not the month.
but its not all bad. this month made me realize I had taken a step back. in my life, in my everyday, I have a system. and that system was no longer working. now the task is getting it up and running once more.
i tried a new thing this year and while new things usually excite me, this one was less than ideal. i did it for others not myself, which is fine, but could be why I feel this way. it was only supposed to be a small energy suck and I had the time. but at some point I ended up on the wrong side of a dementor with nowhere to hide.
and now i’m stuck.
i can’t stop because the minute I say no the building will collapse with everyone inside. the minute I stop giving that 150%? i’m on my ass with a ten-ton boulder on my chest putting me in my place. but at the same time…continuing forward feels like a death march.
so what do I do? that’s what i’ve been stewing over this past month. what’s been keeping my brain held hostage. do I choose myself or the ones I love? which will hurt less?
decisions, decisions.
i have a break this time of year, but it’s all set to happen again next. granted, changes have been made, and maybe it won’t be as hard as this year was, but who knows? look where we are now. big changes were made to make life easier, it was supposed to be easy and simple this time round. HA (writing that literally made me laugh out loud).
after going through therapy for so many years I can recognize the signs. i know when the stress rises and the anxiety hits that the depression is on its way. and would you look at that, here I am writing my feelings away. but at least that’s progress from before. i’ll take that win no matter how small. anyone who has climbed out of a deep dark depressive hole can tell you how small that win is not.
but I digress. maybe next month i’ll be back here and have a decision made. maybe the anxiety will stop that incessant scratching inside my brain. maybe not.
all I do know right now, is that this month has been a lot.
with love,
🫶 CA